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After I was finished with my blog. i started reading my mail. i received another email from a man who has a sick wife. Again thanking me for helping him understand her.
I got to thinking, What do the loved ones really feel like? What do they REALLY go through. I see my husband get frustrated and feel bad, but what else happens.
I sat down with my husband just a bit ago and asked him to tell me what he can.
It was hard to hear, and it may be a little hard to read, so be ready. It is a scary trip to write what the loved ones go through. It may take more than one blog.
So we sat and I asked "Sweetie, what does it feel like to be on the other end"? Just tell me best you can..
He said "Honey, when I first wake up, I wonder if its SAFE to look over at you, will you be o.k? Are you breathing? Some mornings I know your o.k, because the night before you SEEMED o.k...but I still get scared.
He told me its hard to think about the future. He has no control over what may happen. Is my wife going to be blind? What if she has another stroke, and I'm not home?
He explained that being the husband (the man) , he wants to protect mefrom everything. But how can he protect me from something he can't see or predict?
He explained that the GUILT goes in many directions.
If he would have had more money, could I have been diagnosed sooner? Could I have gotten better treatment?
Could he send me to another Country where there MEY be better studies on Lupus?
He explained that he feels guilty..."Why my wife, why not me"? I'm stronger, its not fair.
He told me he has seen me over the 20 something years we have been together help so many ppl...I'm a good person he said. "You have ALWAYS been there to help others honey"..."You are ALWAYS the first one to try to solve everybodies troubles. And now I can't even fix yours.
Before I was diagnosed he had times of frustration. "Why can't she just get things done? She looks fine. Now he wishes he would have listened better.
He said on my bad days he feels so afraid. Is this going to be a REALLY bad day? Will she need to go to the hospital? Its worse when he does not know whats wrong. But some days is afraid to ask. The other man that emails me said something similar.
He said he feels like a wimp. Some days he doesn't want to know whats wrong...for his own sake. And it makes him feel horrible.He doesn't want to feel scared and worried. NOTHING is wrong with that. Its o.k. We understand. You need to back away sometimes too. Take a breater.
A recent event occured. Where a person, knowing I am ill still screamed at me for a long time on the phone.
My husband is past angry. This person was so uncaring and did not think about his actons. He was screaming at his wife. Who happens to be sick with Pleurisy. He said "I don't care how tough you are, I should have stopped it right there.
But he knows I can't live in a bubble. Ppl' are going to be mean. Even if I am sick. I still have to be able to deal with everyday life. He said "Honey, I want to be able to protect you constantly, but I don't want to soficate you. And that can be hard.
He said "it can be very hard to leave to work sometimes. i want to hurry and get home. But I'm afraid to open the door some days. Will i find you in a bad way"?
Many loved ones of the sick know that night time can be very hard on us. My husband said he feels guilty if he had a good nights rest....because i did not. I never realised how many areas this could effect him. And here I'm always thankful that he sleeps well...lol
"Good he slept well, he should have a good day". Not understanding at all that ALL DAY he is bothered that I did not sleep.
The pain I have gets to him a lot. He can tell if its a bad pain day and knows he can't do a thing about it.
"You are the MOST important person in my life, you come before anybody". "The world could fall away, but if I have you That is all that matters". He said he does not need or want anyone else. And he can sometimes panic at the thought that something may happen to me.
"What will I do without you"?
That was so hard to hear. I can't give him the answer he wants. Because I don't know.
We will be talking more. I think understanding the other side is just as important. I know now I have so much more to learn about what the loved ones like my husband goes through.
What I haved learned is to let them know to surround themselves with loving ppl' that they feel good around. They also need things to stay busy. Other things to focus on. But besides that, I'm just learning too.
The last thing he did say was "Since you have been sick, I have learned a lot about who my real friends are". "They are the ones who know that I love you with all my heart. And have been there to help me. And have been there for you.." "I have learned a lot about where others hearts are at".
I am so glad we are talking about this.
And I do want to write more . If anyone has a comment or a sick loved one...I would love to know what you feel. What your going throgh.
Thank you everybody.
Thank you Chris for being so honest.
Anita
Don't for get about my first blog today...
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